Confused Heart

Do we really know what we want from our mate? I thought I did, but I'm unsure now. I spent four years of my life believing I was with the love of my love. Wait,,that's a lie. Truth is deep down, call it woman's intuition, I knew better.

It's was like I knew, but I didn't want to know. So instead of believing the ugly truth, I lived with a beautiful lie. Well needless to say after roaming through his Facebook messages (yea, I'm ashamed), and other emails, I came across numerous women who fell victim to his lies. Needless to say, it was instantly over, and I haven't looked back since.

The problem is, instead of laying low and taking care of myself, I immediately jumped into another relationship. Why oh why. A relationship with someone is exactly what I'm looking for. I mean there are some things about him I dislike but nothing I could not work with. But there is this uncertainty deep down in me that won't allow me to open up and be free. And honestly I don't feel that I will change. Ultimately, I may end up losing this guy, but I'm just not ready. Although I have been searching and waiting on a guy like him, my heart won't heal or allow me to love him.

He stated to me that he would wait, no matter how long it takes for me to come around. What if I don't come around. I don't want to waste his time. I feel bad about how things are. But I can't help how I feel. My heart is confused. I find myself attracted to men, I know are no good for me. Although I have not pursued them, my flesh is weak. My heart is confused. Love is right in front of me, the kind I want. But my heart isn't in it.

Life Changes

I am not the same person I was ten years ago. Hell, I’m not the same person I was five years ago. I have changed dramatically since the 90’s. My taste in clothing, music even men have changed. But I see this change as a good thing. I have ventured out and tried new things; I guess you can call it growth. With maturity comes growth. I hear people say, “Girl why are you doing that”. Hmm, because I want to try something different. There is so much more to life than what you’re accustom to.

Many people are afraid of change. I used to be like that. But I came to this realization that I wanted more. I wanted to see and experience more. I saw my friends moving on without me. My friends were vacationing in other places and doing amazing things. And where was I, sitting in St. Louis looking stupid with a dead end job and no degree.

So I got up off my behind, went back to school, got my degree and started taking trips out of town. I started going to different restaurants, shopping at different stores. I increased my tasted in food. I no longer limited myself to soul food, although I love it so.

I have met some wonderful people from various backgrounds and learned so many things. Through this growth my attitude has changed tremendously. I am more open minded to ideas.

Change is good!!! I look forward to increasing my knowledge and experiencing new things.

 

Love

When dealing with matters of the heart, is love enough. I so, no it's not. You hear people say, "All you need is love, the rest will fall in place". It's takes more than love to sustain a healthy relationship. Yes, love is a big part of it. But what is love? Is love being able to finish my sentence for me? Is love knowing what I'm thinking before I can say it? Love is that and much more, but it's not enough

To have a healthy relationship with your significant other you must be friends first. And both should be in the mind frame of being in a relationship. The worst thing you can do is jump into a relationship when your not ready, just for the sake of saying, "I'm in a relationship".

When we are in a relationship, were looking for a financial, mental and emotional support, great sex and partnership. All these are needed to for a healthy relationship. Love this the glue that holds all this together.

These are just some of my thoughts about love. I'm going leave you guys with a song.